Today my little boy turned 8 weeks old so I thought it would be nice to reflect on the last two months and chat about the ups and downs I’ve had so far as a mumma. It’s been an amazing, terrifying and exhausting journey already but I would honestly not have it any other way. I didn’t realise how true it was that as soon as you have your own little human to care for your heart literally feels fit to burst. Who knew it was possible to feel THIS in love with anything – especially when this ‘anything’ is a tiny little crying, pooping and wriggling machine!
Archie was born on the 23rd of September and from the off I’ve been so lucky. My labour and birth all went so smoothly – lasting about 16 hours in total – and we got to bring our little bundle of cuteness home after just two nights in the hospital.
I found the first three/four weeks quite (okay, very) tough as I was determined to breastfeed. I felt like ALL I did was feed Archie, sit on the sofa and watch crappy daytime TV. In the big scheme of things I was quite lucky in the sense that I didn’t have much pain whilst feeding him and there was no cracking or bleeding whatsoever, but I was so unhappy and Archie was NEVER satisfied after a feed – latching on every 20/30 mins for only 5 minutes or so at a time. It was exhausting!
I didn’t leave the house apart from for a trip to the doctors and to visit mine and my boyfriend’s family homes in that whole first month and it made me feel so trapped. I don’t drive and don’t live in the town where all my friends live/work, which 100% made it worse and made me feel so much more secluded and just ‘down’ in general. I also didn’t feel comfortable with the prospect of breastfeeding in public at all (totally irrational I know, but everyone is different and I just couldn’t have done it – especially as I didn’t feel it was going well for me) so if I was ever invited out at all I would turn it down, meaning I was even more miserable sitting on my own at home.
I made the decision to switch Archie to formula almost exactly a month ago now, and I feel SO much better about so many things. Since doing this, I have been out a whole lot more (without my boyfriend there too, which I was terrified about at first) and just feel so much happier in general. I’ve even booked a driving lesson! Different things work for different people, and I just found that having my little boy on formula is what is going to work for us.
Whilst I am so unbelievably happy to have my little one with me and would never ever want to not be a mummy now, my life has seriously changed beyond what I had – very naively -expected it to whilst I was pregnant.
I missed having a big 18th birthday night out as I was 8 months pregnant – I didn’t care one bit because all I had wanted at the time was a lazy day and to be in bed by 9pm – so I went out for the first time last week with my best friend. It was such a good night out but I was constantly being asked ‘where’s the baby?’ and ‘oh is this your first night out?’ which was of course paired with the ever so delightful stare up and down as if I was doing something wrong and shouldn’t have been there. I know in the back of my mind that there is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying a girly night out when I know my little boy is in the MORE than capable hands of his amazing Daddy, but it made me question myself all the same and I now realise that there are always gonna be some people who will judge and question my every move from now on.
I have also had the total opposite happen and been told ‘Ugh, you’re such a mum’ on multiple occasions when I’ve decided that I would rather spend time at home with my little boy and boyfriend than go out and spend my money on getting drunk with my friends that don’t seem to understand my life has done a total 180 in the last two months.
Although I’ve not said anything in reply to this comment, in my head I’m screaming ‘YES I KNOW. I AM A MUM. I HAVE A BABY. I HAVE A RESPONSIBILITY NOW AND WOULD 100% RATHER BE WITH HIM THAN BE HAVING THIS RANT INSIDE MY HEAD AT THIS VERY BLOODY MOMENT IN TIME!’
I guess I just have to realise that not everyone in my life will be okay with this ‘new’ person I’ve become – but that in itself is okay too! I have who I need around me, and am looking forward to making new friends with the other parents in my local area. Silver linings, ay…
Anyway, the ups TOTALLY overshadow the downs in motherhood for sure. I feel lucky enough to cry just to wake up every day to see my little boy. The endless cuddles and kisses and attention I get to share with my boy make everything worthwhile – the greasy hair, the sick covered clothes, the sleepless nights… None of it matters one bit when I realise just how much of a blessing it is to be able to bring a new life into the world and watch them grow and change every single day.
Archie has started properly smiling and coo-ing at us in the last couple of weeks and is trying to grab at things with his chunky little hands. Such a champ!
That’s the end of my ridiculously long winded and probably snooze-worthy post about my experience so far… Let know what you thought and if you felt the same way at all during these first few weeks!
Lots of lovin,